If you can't get the social security numbers, you will have to file by mail. You won't be able to e-file without them. No need to file the 3949 because if you both file a return claiming the same children, the IRS is going to get involved. Maybe explain to her that she will be allowed to keep the stimulus payments that she has already received. They are not going to make her pay that back. Also, let her know there could be serious fines and penalties involved.
Other places you can find their social security numbers:
School records
Medical insurance enrollments
Previous tax returns
Social Security Administration www.ssa.gov
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