Late 2020 Tax Return Questions

Tl;dr: Can I have pay to have a live TurboTax agent file my late 2020 return so I don’t have to buy the desktop software? Additionally, any suggestions on what to do if my 2019 $2,000 tax refund is “still processing” but we can all kind of guess that the IRS is just indefinitely constipated with my payment? Thank you.

Now, out of sheer, unreasonable pride and stubbornness… I present to all of you the 1 hour long abomination that is (was?) my original attempt at phrasing these questions. I apparently need more to do with my day. I hope some future technoarcheologist finds this and says, “Hey Bob, come check this out. Turns out not all of our ancestors were maladjusted, antisocial, barnacles on the face of the planet they almost destroyed. This mouthy person of the familial clan ‘Avocadotoasty’ was dope.” I also hope it makes whoever reads this laugh, man. You all deserve it. You are dope, too. 

Hi I just barely missed the late file deadline for 2020 because procrastination. I still haven’t received my 2019 tax return from the federal government. I checked on the IRS tax refund calculator and it’s still showing my refund is pending. I guess my question is, since there’s no other way to contact the IRS about my missing refund (that I know of), would filing my 2020 tax return maybe push through my 2019 federal refund like back in the day with a vending machine that got stuck? 😉

Additionally, because my procrastinating millennial buttocks is so late, I see that I have to actually purchase 2020 software for a Mac or PC. This would be fine, except I don’t have a personal computer and feel like waiting for a physical copy to arrive in the mail isn’t optimal. I have my phone and I can finagle requesting the desktop site for whatever the listed browser requirements are on my phone version of the browser for the 2020 TurboTax download if I have to so that the software gets cozied up with the desktop API if that’s what it really wants, man. Why not put to use my three, depressing years of working as a cog for the man in tech support hell (ignorant to the fact my entire life has been manipulated by a corporate system) by undermining the system and refusing to abide by its reasonable demands. Sometimes, it really is the petty things that make life worth living these days in corporate America, folks. 🤗 I just want to dip my toes into the backend, you know? Since the system and it’s greedy 1% has been free-fistingly helping themselves to ours ( and minorities, all developing exploitable nations, and the entire resource ecosystem of the planet as a whole). **bleep**, buy me dinner first, at least Uncle Sam… you **bleep**. 

However, since this whole scheme is unnecessarily satirical and most likely a “nice try kiddo… borrow your **bleep** roommate’s laptop” kind of situation, I was wondering if it’s possible to pay a TurboTax live tax preparer to just submit the three tax forms for me? As a bonus, they get the wonderful opportunity to commemorate my 2020 tax return with me as the “broke-as-hell and COVID was a real doozy (but at least I might get my fat student loan return one more time before they realized I stopped paying that **bleep**)” highlight of their day! Hurray. Ultimately, I want to pay someone to use their software so I don’t have to buy this as a physical CD/download with which I may run into troubleshooting issues later because I’m blatantly trying to circumvent the requirements by refusing to use the desktop version of the software with an actual desktop. Upon a quick re-read of everything I have typed up thus far, I am apparently just flat out refusing to use any grammatical mark to break up the coy verbosity of my run on sentences. I am truly sorry for what I have just put you through and thank you so much for your help! I know this is 1000% my responsibility and I’ve just been lazy but I really do appreciate your help.

Also, here is some **bleep** 🥑 🍞 for that one old white guy reading this to his country club buddies as justification for his hatred of my entire generation. Yes, we are facetious. It’s the only way we have been surviving mentally as we continue saving the entire blitzkrieg of a world and environment we gained as our **bleep**ty inheritance drenched in the bull**bleep**tery of being blamed for it. Well, facetiousness and memes. This is how we survived 2020. You’re welcome. Bless. 🥰🙏😭