@ediben11 - I sense some frustration and friction with the responses you are getting, so let me try in very layman's terms to explain.
MFJ - Married Filing Joint
MFS - Married Filing Separate
HOH - Head of Household
The tax laws are written to support the sactimony of marriage. Those that are married get the best tax benefits. So, since you are legally married, you have two choices: file MFJ or MFS. The IRS doesn't care. Filing MFS isn't as financially beneficial, but you are welcome to do so. (few file MFS because of the financial costs, for example, as you have two collega age children, you lose the educational tax benefits of AOTC and LLC if you file MFS).
For those that are not married, there are two choices: Single and HOH. (There is a 5th - QSS, but that is for situations where a spouse recently passed away, so let's not worry about that)
So are you married or are you not married? THAT is what is creating the friction here. Are you trying to take advantage of laws set up for those that are not married but you are legally married? all the IRS cares about is that you are 'married on paper'....and you are!
Well, what about those that are legally married, but are trying to go their separate ways? The IRS has rules for that too. And it begins with "living apart for the last 6 months of the year". There are no exceptions. So when you state that you live apart but he comes to visit a few times a year, then if he stayed at your home any time in the last 6 months of the year, then you haven't lived apart for the last 6 months of the year (remember, there are no exception!).
if you can't satisfy this 6 month test, you are not eligible for HOH. that is the rule and it is that simple.
Let's say you can satify the 6 month test. Can you prove that each child lived with different parents for at least 183 days of the year? (being away at college is considered temporarily being away from their permanent residence and doesn't impact the number of days the child lived at the permanent residence).
If I was an IRS auditor, I would want you to show me for each child evidence of their permanent living situations. 1) show me their driver's liscense, what address is listed there? 2) since they are over 18, are they registered to vote and what precinct are they registered in? 3) where do they receive their mail, were any change of address records sent to USPS? 4) do they own cars in their own name? if so, in what state is the car registered? 5) are they receiving any state sponsored scholarships that require residency in a specific state? 6) do you have a calendar where you marked which nights they spent at your home? I am sure I can come up with other questions that challenge their permanent residency.
Then there is the 'household' requirement. That was well articulated above.
See where I am going with all this? Are you trying to swim against the tide? THAT is the friction I sense you are feeling.
